Nightmares

What i look like

 “Leave me alone,” I cried out.

I kept having these nightmares. I hadn't gotten any sleep in years. I looked at the clock. It was midnight and I already knew I wasn't going to get any more sleep.

I had been taking so many pills and even attempted suicide, but nothing worked.

Originally, it had started out as a couple nightmares a month, then it progressed to a few a week, next it was every other day, and now it was every time I fell asleep, be it day or night.

I got up and got dressed, preparing to go train until it was time for me to go to the training field. I was stuck on a team of weirdos.

Naruto Uzumaki, holder of the Kyuubi; Sakura Haruno, stalker chick and fan girl of Sasuke Uchiha; Sasuke Uchiha, chicken-butt head and blood thirsty avenger; lastly, Kakashi Hatake, jounin sensei, lazy and perverted copy-cat nin.

I was Ellen Iwasawa, depressed and quiet, always drawing and listening to emo music.

I had borne the burden of my family's deaths and responsibility of raising myself since I was three. The village scorned me for they thought I had killed my family. They scorned me more than they scorned Naruto.

Sakura, Sasuke, and Kakashi already didn't like me because of how I dressed and Naruto was just wary, as was all the rest of the villages.

I made it to training ground seven and began training while listening to my music. Right now, I'm not okay was blaring in my ears.

"I'm Not Okay (I Promise)"

Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.
I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.
For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?
(I'm not okay)
I've told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means
(I'm not okay)
To be a joke and look, another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed

I'm okay
I'm okay!
I'm okay, now
(I'm okay, now)

But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay!
(Trust Me)

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
(Okay)

I saw the others coming already. I prayed to Kami to let me make it through today without somehow 'accidently' on purpose injuring myself.

Or one of them.

I took off my bag and dug through it. I found a granola bar and ate it.

Sakura stared at me. “Sensei told us not to eat.”

I looked at her. “Well, fuck him and besides how will I pass without eating to keep up my strength?” I asked it, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Which it was. Sort of.

Sasuke just looked at me with scorn. Naruto just looked wary. And tired. They all looked tired. I looked worse than them, because unlike them, I hadn't slept in years.

Insomniac.

I meditated until Kakashi get there. When he did, he stayed far away from me. The freak. I laughed silently.

Yep. I'm the freak.

He told us the rules, speaking only to the others, not caring if I heard or not.

Bastard.

Naruto attacked him first and was met with a 1,000 years of death.

One super ass poke.

Sakura was trapped in a genjutsu.

Sasuke was trapped underground.

Sakura promptly fainted when she saw Sasuke's head while his body was underground.

Kakashi finally came after me, clearly thinking I was the weakest of the group.

“Team work,” I said aloud, which I didn't do very often. “You put us on teams so we would work together.”

“How did you know?” He asked suspiciously.

“Simple. We fail the exercise, you don't have to deal with a bunch of snotty brats. So you choose the most obvious thing in the world.” I told him sharply. “You knew they wouldn't work with the freak of the village, so you deliberately pitted us against each other, and your plan worked. Congratulations.”

“No,” He began.

“Cut the crap. I know you don't like me and I know you never wanted me to be on your team. You even signed the petition to get me kicked out of the village.”

“That's classified.”

“When you kill your clan, you get lots of new skills,” I mocked. “You won. Congrats again, I say. I would applaud, but I'm just a dumb freak.” I hopped off the branch, leaving him stunned.

I sat down and gave my lunch to Naruto while we were served lunch. Sakura mocked me. “Freaks in love,” It was.

I punched her in the jaw after the training was over. I walked out of the village, the guards at the gate pitying me.

I looked for danger and I lived my life on the line. I wanted to die and no one else would care. Twenty years later they would go, “Hey, where'd the freak go?”

I scoffed. By the time I got back into the village, it was eleven. I reported to the Hokage and vanished to my home. I lived where my family had been killed. I felt closer to them and I preferred to be somewhere someone had died. The stories were interesting.

The Iwasawa clan communicated with the dead. My clan was in a better place. Except me. Even in my own home, I was a freak.

No sleeping, no eating, no drinking. Maybe I would die of malnourishment or dehydration. Or better yet, maybe someone would kill me in my sleep.

I felt someone come up to my door. I went and opened it. It was the spirit of a wolf cub. It's brothers and sisters were still in danger and the mother was still fighting, but she was dying quickly.

I rushed to them and fought off the danger. The mother looked at me and asked me to take care of her cubs. I nodded in agreement.

I picked them up and the spirit cub licked my cheek and disappeared. A lone tear rolled down my face.

What the cubs look like

In the litter, there were three boys and three girls. Sensing they could trust me, they snuggled in my arms and fell asleep.

I went back to bed and they curled up next to me. I slept a little and when I woke up from my nightmares, the runt snuggled up next to me and helped me back to sleep.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

After weeks of meaningless missions, I finally saw Naruto get fed up and complain.

After wards we were given a c-rank mission of escorting a bridge-builder back to the Land of the Waves. I didn't trust him. He called Naruto short and me, he called a wolf freak. My eyes narrowed. He was so lucky he was drunk.

We met just inside the gates. I brought the whole litter and their food. Nothing but clothes for me. A little bit of water in case any one got suspicious.

Sakura and Naruto ragged on Kakashi for being late. Sakura looked at me. “Why all of them?” She whined.

I looked at her dumbfounded. “They are cubs, Stalker chick. They can't yet take care of themselves and I don't know how long we'll be gone and

unfortunately I have never had any intention of them ever being alone in a house by themselves.”

Tazuna looked a bit wary.

Freak. It was in his eyes.

We passed a few puddles and the cubs whined. I told them, “I know, I know. It hasn't rained in like forever, that isn't a regular puddle.”

Suddenly, two sound nin attacked and we walked away clean. Naruto decided to kill himself.

Nearly. Pity he didn't succeed. He panicked and I took his hand.

“Naruto,” I ordered. “Stop, you're making the poisoned blood move faster.”

He obeyed.

I sucked the poison out and the wound closed up quickly.

Tazuna explained everything.

It was the fight with Zabuza that really cracked me up.

It was really funny when my friend, Haku, pretended to be a tracker nin and he and Zabuza made their escape.

Kakashi collapsed. We carried him to Tazuna's house and he slept.

This is where I actually start being a ninja, so technically, this is where my story starts.

Kakashi woke up and looked at us. More accurately at them.

“Zabuza is still alive.”

Everyone gasped.

I snickered. They looked at me.

“What is so funny about this?” Sakura asked.

“The fact no one noticed it before.” I said.

Ayame and Kouga rolled around on the floor making me laugh at how Kouga was trying to get away from Ayame.

Depressed is when you've been strong for too long Ch.1

What I look like

I walked off a plane. Now in Japan, I was coming to live with my twin

brothers Kaoru and Hikaru Hitachiin.

My dad died, so I had to go live with the rich freaks.

I saw the twins, a girl, a guy with glasses, and a boy with golden

hair with a taller boy with black hair and a solemn expression.

I walked to them quietly. “Kaoru and Hikaru Hitachiin? I'm

Ellen January.”

“Little sister,” They chorused.

“I'm the same age as you two, thank you very much.” I shot back.

The others were stunned. “Kaoru and Hikaru aren't twins, but triplets?” Kyoya Ootori asked.

“I blocked all information on me, so for the very purpose of people trying to find out information about my family.” I smiled. “I literally don't exist unless you know my name.”

“Wow, you're good. It's very hard to hide anything from him.” Blondie commented. “I'm Honey and this is my cousin Mori.”

“I'm Ellen. I'm Kaoru and Hikaru's triplet. I may look completely different, bu that's because we have different fathers. My father just died and my stepmothers kind of a bitch. Kaoru and Hikaru opped for me to come live them, so I accepted.

We walked to the limo that was waiting outside.

The girl introduced herself as Haruhi Fujioka. I'm in the Host Cub with everyone else, masquerading as a male.”

I told another lie today

and I got through this day

no one saw through my games

“Nice.” I said.

Inside the limo, I was offered food, but I declined. “No thank you. I'm not very hungry since I ate on the plane.

I know the right words to say

Like I don't feel well

I ate before I came

Honey said, “You're very pretty. You're sure you're related to

these shady twins?”

I nodded. “Yes, Honey. I'm sure.”

Then someone tells me how good I look

And for a moment, for a moment I am happy

We arrived at their mansion after dropping everyone else off.

They showed me my room and once they left, I began to cry softly.

But when I'm alone

no one hears me cry

I need you to know

I'm not through the night

Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light

I need you to know

That we'll be okay

Together we can make it through another day

Unbeknownst to me, Hikaru and Kaoru were in the next room.

Kaoru sighed. “She starts school tomorrow. Who wants to bet she will kick Tamaki's ass?”

Hikaru nodded. “She won't take any of his huggy lovely dovey crap.

Either way, she won't eat. I know with how skinny she is, she won't

last long with the Japanese food.”

Kaoru broke in. “We are giving her the male uniform. I wouldn't

be able to stand seeing her in with the yellow buffaloes.”

“Wonder what she'll think of our 'brotherly love' act?” Hikaru

asked. “I'm going to get her the male uniform. See you later.” He left

and soon after Kaoru followed suit.

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful

The day I choose not to eat

What I do know is how I've changed my life forever

I know I should know better

I cried myself to sleep with my stomach growling loudly at me.

There are days when I'm okay

And for a moment for a moment I find hope

But there are days when I'm not okay

And I need your help

So I'm letting go.

I was losing my sanity every day and I knew it. It was hard for me just to get up and get dressed, much less manage to take care of myself.

I need you to know

I'm not through the night

Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light

I need you to know

That we'll be okay

Together we can make it through another day

My hold on reality was slipping and I knew that, unless I found

something worth living for, my sanity was good as gone in a couple

months.My therapist had confirmed it. I was as smart as hell, but

without anything to want to live for, I'd die, or at the very least go insane.

It wasn't that I wouldn't eat, it was that I couldn't. I was never hungry. The medicine that I was on made my appetite diminish greatly.

The next morning, the twins jumped on my bed to wake me up.

“Imouto,” They sang. “We have your uniform. But first you have to promise us not to be appalled if Tamaki-tono asks you to join the Host Club, because he doesn't know you're a girl.”

I nodded. Whatever.

What I look like at Ouran

They thrust a robin-blue pantsuit with a ruffled top at me.

I try to open my eyes

I try to see, but I'm blinded by the white light

I can't remember how

I don't remember why

I'm lying here tonight

And I can't stand the pain

And I can't make it go away

No I can't stand the pain

I took the uniform and went into the bathroom, slowly getting

ready.

How could this happen to me

I've made my mistakes

I've got nowhere to run

The night goes on as I'm fading away

I'm sick of this life

I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me

Kaoru knocked on the door. “You almost done? The cook has prepared scrambled eggs, the way you like them.”

“Thanks Kaoru. I'll be right down.” I called.

Two hours later...

It was time for my second class and I was moving through the hallway silently, drowning my ears in music.

Everybody's screaming

I try to make a sound, but no one hears me

I'm slipping off the edge

I'm hanging by a thread

I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered

And I can't explain what happened

And I can't erase the things that I've done

No I can't,

I bumped into someone, jostling my music. The dude was wearing a dark cloak, a green wig, and he was holding a cat puppet.

“Hello, I greeted softly.

“You must be the new student. I am Nekosawa Umehito, head of the black magic club.” The weird boy introduced.

“Well Nekosawa, it's nice to meet you.” I said. “I'm Miharu Rokujou.”

He left quickly, as though I had said something to offend him.

I shrugged, not really caring. I tried to find my way to my second class. Although I made a very cute boy with my chest-bound anyways.

Girls literally swooned when I came in the door. I growled. I was of the same sex, yet they all seemed to like me. Of course they thought I was a guy, but still.

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I sighed, looking around the classroom. I saw Haruhi, who smiled at me softly before going back to listen to the teacher.

I looked at the board, I knew all this stuff already. I lay my head on my desk, hoping to catch some shut eye before having to deal with the twins again.

Thankfully, I did get some sleep before the bell rang and I really wanted to just skip the rest of school, but I knew Kaoru and Hikaru would have my head if I do.

I plugged in as I walked through the hallways looking for something to do during the breaks.

I could go back to every laugh

But I don't wanna go there anymore

And I know all the steps up to your door

But I don't want to there anymore

Talk to the wind, talk to the sky

Talk to the man with the reasons why

And let me know what you find

'Gladly,' I thought. 'I'd ask him why he sent me to live here with

absolutely no happiness whatsoever.

I'll leave my window open

'Cause I'm too tired at night to call your name

Just know I'm right here hoping

That you'll come in with the rain

I could stand up and sing you a song

But I don't wanna' have to go that far

And I, I've got you down

I know you by heart

And you don't even know where I start

Talk to yourself, talk to the tears

Talk to the man who put you here

And don't wait for the sky to clear

I'll leave my window open

'Cuz I'm too tired at night to call your name

Oh, just know I'm right here hopin

That you'll come in with the rain

I smirked to myself. 'I wanted to go with my dad when he died. He was all I had left besides these two bozos.' My smirk faded. 'Why couldn't I have died instead of Daddy?' A lone tear slipped down my cheek.

I've watched you so long

Screamed your name

I don't know what else I can say

But I'll leave my window open

'Cuz I'm too tired at night for these games

Just know I'm hopin

That you'll come in with the rain

I could go back to every laugh

But I don't wanna go there anymore...

I bumped into Haruhi as she stepped inside Music Room 3. I followed her in. Honey saw me first. “Hi. What's your name?” He asked cheerfully.

“Miharu Rokujou.” I answered softly. “Where am I?”

“You're in the Host Club, my beautiful,” A taller blond lopped over. “Prince.” He finished lamely.

I raised my eyebrow at the twins. Obviously they hadn't told him about me.

There they were, snickering behind their hands at Tamaki's astonished look.

“The Host Club doesn't open until after school.” Kyoya's voice came from the back of the room.

“I'm not here for the Host Club senpai.” My voice dripped with annoyance. “I'm here to talk with Kaoru and Hikaru.”

The twins hurried over. I smacked them upside the head. “There a reason you didn't tell whoever that is about me?” I pouted.

They didn't like the look on my face. They both knew what that look meant. They'd worn it many times themselves. “No, otouto.” They stammered.

What's-his-face perked up. “You have a younger brother?” He asked them eagerly.

I frowned. “I'm not younger than them. I'm their triplet,

except that I don't look exactly like them.”

“Oh,” Tamaki said in shock. “Okaa-san, why didn't our sons tell

us about their other brother?” He whined.

“Probably because this would happen,” He muttered. He

straightened his glasses. “Because that way he wouldn't get involved with

the Host Club.”

Tamaki pouted then his ridiculous face brightened. “Otou-san has

another son.” He tried to hug me.

I dodged. There was absolutely no way I was letting him touch me. Fucking creeper.

“You must join the Host Club!” He ordered. “Then Daddy's family has another member.”

I looked at the idiots who put me in this position in the first place. They shuddered under my glare, although I was a couple inches shorter than they were. My glare promised revenge. “Fine,” I muttered.

“You can be the depressed and lonely type.” He announced.

I shrugged. I already was depressed and lonely.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, have I got it

'Cause mirror you've always told me who I am

I'm finding it's not easy to perfect

So sorry you won't define me

Sorry you don't own me

It was the last class of the day and it was almost time for the bell to ring. I was packing up my stuff when the twins came up to me.

“Otouto,” They chorused.

“What?” I grouched.

“We have a surprise for you when we get home.” They smiled.

“Whatever,” I muttered, not really in the mood for one of their

games.

“But only of you can tell which one is Hikaru,” They sang.

I pointed at Hikaru. “You are Hikaru, end of story.” I grabbed

my bag and walked out. They followed me to the Host Club and I looked

at the decorations.

“Lord help me.” I murmured.

“Who's Lord?” Kyoya asked with a notebook and pen ready.

I walked off, looking for a place to sit down. I saw one by Honey.

Plopping down beside him, I greeted him, before covering my eyes and laying back.

“Ellen-chan,” He whispered.

“Senpai?”

“Why don't you smile?” The question was simple. It was the answer that was complicated.

“I'm on the edge of a knife.”

“Huh?”

I looked at Mori. He was watching me intently. “I'll put it this way. Insanity and death are the same to me.” I gave him a soft smile and ruffled his hair before getting up to go over to Kyoya.

Obviously you must know who this is

Mori POV

I watched Ellen intently. I knew what she meant. While Honey wasn't a stranger to death, he didn't always understand the references that people made.

She left to go to speak to Kyoya. She was pretty, but I knew her views on things like that. It was similar to Haruhi's. She had no need for materialistic things. I had heard her talk to Nekosawa. However she was too pure for him to be around her too long. I even knew that.

Honey looked at me. “Mori, what did she mean?”

“She's depressed and won't be able to hold on for too much longer.”

I answered.

Honey's eyes widened. “Can we help her?” His voice got softer/

“Only if she allows herself to be helped.” I said, my voice barely

audible.

“We have to help her.” Honey said determined. “We just found her.

We can't let her go if she's just going to kill herself.”

'That's the spirit.' I thought fondly.

Ellen POV

I went over to Kyoya. “So senpai, what do you actually do in the Host Club?”

His glasses glinted. “Why we please women of course.”He said, with an underlying pinch of sarcasm.

I rolled my eyes. “No I meant for real what do you people actually do?”

His gaze narrowed slightly. Not many people could tell when he's lying. “I take care of accounting and financials, Tamaki is as you could call the king, Your brothers do twincest, Haruhi does natural, Mori and Honey senpai do cute and silent. I have honestly no idea why Tamaki asked you to join.” He said. “Although what he chose did fit you tremendously well.”

“Gee, thanks. Let's shout it out to the world that I'm depressed.” I stalked away, going over to Haruhi. I looked at her. “How do you put up with it?”

She giggled. “I'm not here because I want to be here, I'm here because I broke a 8,000,000 yen vase on my first day here.” I looked at her. “Okay, I do get some amusement from the Host Club, but I am their so called dog. They've never had instant coffee or ramen, if you can believe it.”

“I don't like ramen very much. It tastes...odd.” I commented.

She nodded. “It does, but I enjoy instant coffee.”

“Is okay, I suppose.” I shrugged. “I think I'll help you with your debt. Besides it'll be fun watching Tamaki in his little emo corner.”

“I can't let you do that.” She protested.

“Nonsense. Of course you can, besides Haruhi, won't it be funny

when the physical exams come up.” I winked.

“Physical Exams are coming up?” She asked.

I nodded. “They are like fortnight away.”

“Fine, you can help me.” She paused. “On one condition,”

“What?”

“You have to try to be happy.” She said.

I was mock-surprised. “Happy? Aren't I happy enough already?”

She smiled. “I see through your facade. My mom was like you, sort of depressed at time, but she hid it really well. So Dad and I had to watch her to make sure she was okay.” Her smile faltered.

Tamaki, being the oblivious idiot that he is, came up to us and announced, “The

host club is opening now!” 

Okay this is a story that was originally in a notebook. I don't own:

Ouran High School Host Club

Courage-Superchick

Untitled-Simple PLan

Come in with the rain-Taylor swift

Mirror-Barlow Girl

I do own the character named Ellen, but I don't own Miharu Rokujou. The name's from Nabari Ou No, if anyone thinks it seems familiar